‘A friend recently told me that I give off “desperation energy”.
‘I’ve been single for years and maybe that explains it.
‘She said I was distracted when we recently met up and then went on to share other times when I’ve been “clearly desperate” on nights out.
‘I like to think I’m just putting myself out there by being open to talking to others but now I’m cringing and wondering if all my friends think the same about me.
‘I’ve always told myself that I enjoy the single life but I can now see that’s not entirely true — I do think about having a boyfriend.
‘How can I come across as open but not desperate?‘
When someone is genuinely relaxed about being single, they don’t come across as desperate.
‘Equally, if someone is actually mad keen to have a partner but is open about it, then most people won’t see them as “desperate” either,’ says James McConnachie. ‘The label tends to happen when there’s a mismatch, when someone says they don’t care but it’s clear they do — and that might be half the reason you’re upset. The other half is your friend saying something mean.’
It is incredibly natural to want a partner but this hunger for another can leave us feeling unvalued when we start to feel starved.
‘Some people attempt to hide their real feelings until they feel less vulnerable but this can often backfire because it isn’t an authentic way of going about dating,’ says Dr Angharad Rudkin. ‘You are also far less likely to meet someone if you’re not open.’
Instead of worrying about what others think about you, redirect your energy into being radically honest with yourself about your feelings.
‘Your desires are no one’s business but your own and being confident about what you want also happens to be very attractive,’ says McConnachie.
We could speculate about why your friend feels the need to accuse others of desperation and distraction but we’re more interested in the beliefs you are carrying about yourself.
‘Did you get criticised frequently as a child?’ asks Rupert Smith. ‘Do you, on some level, believe your need for intimacy is unacceptable? It sounds like your friend is fulfilling the role of a critical, rejecting parent. It’s time to let her — and that critical voice — go.’
Instead of spending time with people who are unable to support you, start considering the times when you have felt most content and present.
‘Then modify your life so it includes more of those people,’ says Rudkin. ‘Before you know it, your life will be so full and complete that you won’t even be thinking of a boyfriend — and that’s when one will actually turn up.’
Rupert Smith is an author and counsellor
James McConnachie is the author of Sex (Rough Guides)
Dr Angharad Rudkin is a clinical psychologist
Got a sex and dating dilemma?
To get expert advice, send your problem to [email protected]
Rush Hour Crush – love (well, lust) is all around us
Visit Metro’s Rush Hour Crush online every weekday at 4:30pm.
Tell us about your Rush Hour Crush by submitting them here, and you could see your message published on the site.
How to get your Metro newspaper fix
Metro newspaper is still available for you to pick up every weekday morning or you can download our app for all your favourite news, features, puzzles… and the exclusive evening edition!
Download the Metro newspaper app for free on App Store and Google Play
Source: Read Full Article