Tracey Cox reveals 30 ways for women to initiate sex

Go commando, record a sex session or tempt him at the traffic lights: Tracey Cox reveals 30 ways for women to initiate sex – the thing ALL men want their partner to do more of!

  • Tracey Cox reveals 30 ways to initiate sex and have more fun in the bedroom
  • She says whispering could be the key to getting your partner’s heart racing
  • Initiating not only helps you feel sexier, but boosts their confidence indefinitely

‘She’s never the one doing the asking’ has remained one of his biggest complaints in the whole thirty (or so) years I’ve been writing about sex.

It’s unfair to always leave it up to your partner to suggest sex – yet only one quarter of women say they initiate sex on a regular basis.

Having to be the initiator is a burden men carry since they were at school behind the bike sheds, trying to persuade Susie to let them go to first base. And it doesn’t let up.

If you’re a woman, NOTHING will make more difference to your sex life than you initiating sex more often.

And it’s not just him that benefits from it.

Being ‘the sexy one’ makes you feel sexier

Turning the tables to be the one who suggests sex rather than rejects it, resets the dynamics dramatically.

Tracey Cox advises that initiating sex could be the key to a healthy love life, saying your partner likely misses being hit on

Being the one to want sex, the one asking for it, instantly makes you feel sexier, more powerful, in charge.

Your partner, used to being knocked back, is both surprised and (hopefully) thrilled. Their ego gets a much-needed boost: maybe you fancy them after all? Maybe you like having sex with them! Maybe, just maybe, you want them as much as they want you…

It’s win-win for both.

The good news is, initiating is something that can be learned – and the more you do it, the less anxious you’ll be about it.

All you need to do is stick to a few basic principles.

Four things you need to know

First up…

Think about why you don’t initiate. Is it because you don’t enjoy sex? Is it because you never get the chance to build up sexual hunger (see ‘I never get the chance to initiate’)? 

Do you need an honest chat to sort out long-standing sex problems or is it just laziness and a bad habit you’ve got into?

Make sure the move isn’t so subtle, they miss it. If your partner isn’t used to you initiating, they aren’t looking for cues that you want might sex. What seems abundantly clear to you, may be misinterpreted by them.

The usual reaction when this happens is indignance. Well, I’ve finally done it and where did that get me? I’m not doing that again!

Tracey suggests secretly wearing sexy lingerie and letting your partner see you when getting ready for bed – then putting on a pair of heels

If you have tried and didn’t get noticed, try some of the more obvious ways to suggest sex.


Answer ‘true’ or ‘false’ to the following questions – and be honest rather than hopeful!

· Does one of you always initiate sex and the other feel pressured?

· Do you rarely or never have sexy thoughts or fantasies about your partner?

· Is touch and physical affection lacking outside the bedroom as well as in it?

· Do you rarely look forward to having sex?

· Do you feel little connection during sex?

· Is sex something you do more out of obligation than want?

· Does sex feel very routine, like you’re both just going through the motions?

· Do you avoid sex as much as possible?

· Are you having sex less than once a month?

Answer ‘true’ to more than five and it’s likely you’re struggling with low sexual desire. Instigating sex more often is an effective way to boost your sex drive.  

Some couples settle on an agreed private code that says, ‘Sex tonight?’ for this reason. Do something cute with the toothbrushes before they come in to clean their teeth, like make the shape of ‘Y’ for yes.

I strongly suggest you tell your partner you want to initiate more, so they know to look out for an Invitation.

Try initiating at different times of the day. Most of us are more up for sex at certain times. If you’re a morning person and go to sleep early, getting woken up at midnight with a hopeful fumble isn’t going to be welcome.

Try it at 7am and you might get lucky.

Ditto different techniques. Some people love a direct approach, others take longer to become aroused and prefer to a slow build up.

If you’re nervous, don’t do it face-to-face.

Start by sending sexy texts or photos or leave a note instead of making in-person moves. (Plenty of suggestions below.)

Right, you’re ready to take action!

Here’s a variety of ways to initiate sex, ranging from simple and quite demure, right through to assertive and daring.

Start small and work your way up to outrageous!

30 ways to initiate sex – from going commando to tempting him at the traffic lights  


If you’re constantly being hassled for sex, you don’t get the chance to miss it.

It’s called ‘the seesaw phenomenon’: the more one person does, the less the other does. The more often they initiate sex, the less often you will.

Never getting the chance to be the one to say ‘How about it?’ can feel demeaning. If your libido’s lower than theirs, you already feel you’re letting the side down.

Here’s how to fix it

Start by telling your partner you miss not being the one to initiate sex. Simply saying you’d like to be given the chance to, will score enormous points. As much as you’re sick of being asked, he’s sick of asking!

Make a pact that he stops making any sexual overtures for two weeks (or longer) to give you the chance to approach him. Wait for a bit, then – around day nine or 10 – pounce! Even if your first approach is a bit forced – you’re not exactly dying for it, but it might be OK – pretend.

Pack the kids off to your Mums and once they leave, grab him, push him against the front door and snog his pants off. His response? “She really wants me. My god, she likes having sex with me after all’.

Seeing his arousal is often enough to spark your own: lots of women work with ‘responsive desire’ rather than spontaneous. They don’t start out wanting sex but, once they get going, become highly aroused.

Want to try something new? Check out Tracey’s two product ranges at You’ll hear practical advice on how to be more confident sexually on her weekly podcast, SexTok. 

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